last breath
summer 2019 wrenched my gut and filled my eyes with stars it didn’t feel good it stung and thinking back on it makes me realize i’ve had five years to grow my hair to my waist and haven’t succeeded
at least at the time it seemed like it was all it would take to be worthy like she was and it’s funny how to see how everything and nothing has changed the patterns they repeat
the soundtrack to that summer was ‘Last Breath’ by Ravyn Lenae of course I got it from her she found it herself and i didn’t
it was one of the million amazing songs she had because everything about her was perfect unlike myself, that song happened to hit the hardest not just for me but for her as well in this heartache that we shared in the front and passenger seat of her car at 22:30 pm on way too many weeknights
call it a trauma bond all i can say is i’ve been there before
summer 2019 was an enigma, a puzzle full of repetitive conversations and late night dance sessions, nights by the lake at the montreux jazz festival and birthday parties gone wrong, out of place yet part of the whole, i couldn’t figure it out i couldn’t make sense of the loss i felt it was too much weight to bear alone
my soul shuddered at the end of the season and broke down like a building, an abandoned one that leaves space for unwanted entities, bridges were burnt curtains were drawn i think it was too much for a 19 year old to bear with a soul much too sensitive to pain to beauty to loss to the absence of love and to the dark unforgiving swedish winter